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:: Chidori Haruka 千鳥春華 ::
+August 15th 1985+

Happy Chinese New Year and Valentine's!!!
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Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Letting go...

Had some serious talk with someone I've had feelings for for a very VERY long time. Can't say I didn't notice it, but perhaps I am still clinging onto something all this while. DAMN. Cancel out the 'perhaps'. I ADMIT I am. I knew it wouldn't work out since day 1, but I somehow...some way...am still hoping.

My biggest weakness is I always try to hide my feelings, and sometimes even to myself. Why? I totally don't know. I've convinced myself that I've let go of him...but actually, I haven't. All this while, I've been lying to my own consience. I like him. Very much. I do. I admit it now. But it's over. O-V-E-R.

Everytime I make excuses to myself, the weaker is my strength to do the right thing; that is to completely let go of this feelings. In these few months, how many excuses have I made? Countless. I am a real stubborn person, it runs in my family. And this is really ruining a real big part of my life.

...wait. That's also an excuse. Looks like I'm doing it all the time. Seriously, I don't even know how to be true to myself. I don't know how to let go... because I've always regarded letting go as a sign of weakness...an indication that I have lost. I DID. I have lost the battle. And now I should put it all behind me, ONCE AND FOR ALL.

This entry will serve as a reminder to myself. A reminder to this phase of my life. This time, it all ends. Return everything BACK TO NOTHING. N-O-T-H-I-N-G. A complete blank. Void. Null. Nada. Zero.

So...I ADMIT...
...every little things I do, every action I take...I still think of you. All those sleeve pulling arm dragging playful punching whatsoever...they are acts that I hope would change your mind. I admit it now. I need to. After all these years. And the numerous names I've called you...from Kanzaki to niichan to bro to Exile to CY and back to Kanzaki...

But all these gotta end. As you will say...season changes...life changes...open up to new things, new people. Yes, a complete cycle of seasons has passed. Spring, Summer, Autumn, and the dreaded Winter.... And a whole new year is waiting for me. A new spring, a new summer, a new autumn, a new winter...a completely new different cycles of seasons...

Goodbye. A new cycle of season has begun...


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