I am wasted.

Suddenly feel like posting....so here goes.

I feel so useless.

All my life I've never truly worked hard for anything. All my life I've been slacking my life away, wasting myself to the dumps.

It's not like I'm not doing well, it's just that....I don't know how to describe it.

I don't like to be a failure. I don't like to lose out to other people.

But I don't like to be too successful too. Someone not in the limelight. Someone that is not used by other people to be compared to. It makes you feel that you are showing off.

But still, I do not want to lose out.

Erm....let's make it simple for you to understand.

All my life, I needed not to work hard.

Because I don't have to. Because everything is provided for. Because all the opportunities are there waiting for me.

Because I can do better than other people even though I don't work for it.

That's that.

Sometimes, when you've got the talent and the brains and the looks, you just let it go to waste.

Because you don't have to work hard to win other people.

Other people have to spend hours and hours on it to do something right, but you just need to work on it like only for awhile to get it done.

So, you need not work hard.

Because you don't have the need to.

And you never will work hard and expand your full capabilities.

That's exactly what I'm facing all my life.

I feel so bad. I've realised this a few years back, and I am still doing it.

I've got the brains.

I've got the capabilities.

I've got the opportunities.

I've got the looks.

But I waste everything.

EVERYTHING.

Not that I'm being vain or something, but that is the truth about myself.

I'm always busy doing something else that's useless, wasting all my talents away. And not reaping the opportunities as I should.

Ok, let's start off with brains.

I've never studied hard. Or even listen to my teachers' lecture.

I only study a few days ahead of my exams.....and end up tops.

I could have easily gotten straight As' for all my exam including my STPM....but I did not do it. I slack. I laze around. And end up.....doing badly in them. Including STPM which will determine my future. I was busy hacking away with stupid RO day and night...then fretting and crying over someone that I shouldn't even be with.

Capabilities and opportunities?

Plentiful. But I do not follow them.

Ok for example...I'm talented in music. Piano...maybe not. But electone and drums....it's definitely there. And what do I do through all my years of lessons? Practice only an hour EVERY WEEK before the class. Of course, I still do get my distinctions and teacher's grade pass the first time round (most people don't even pass after many times trying). I've even played with UPM's orchestra once at Istana Budaya. Then? What do I do? Throw everything away.

Looks. Yeah another one.

Cannot deny...I've got the looks and height. The features are there. No doubt.

But what do I do?

Waste them with obesity. I was obese for almost all of my life. And still am on the heavy side now.

Waste them with not sleeping every day. Heck, I really don't sleep like till 2 or 3 am every day. Pimples and whatsoever....plagues me all year round.

Waste them with acts like rubbing my nose constantly, enlarging them. Not forgetting to mention also on my eyes. It's puffy and dark circles are around them like mad.

And many others. Too many to list.

I am just so wasted. WASTED.

This year, I hope to change. New life. New lease.

Although it may be a little late for it now, but I guess it's still not too late to do something.

And hope I can sustain myself long enough before slacking away again.

Perhaps I need to get into a more competitive environment.

Let's just see....how it goes from here....